Two years and 3 months to be exact. Sometimes people say to me "I can't even imagine it". And I say they are lucky they can't. It's not like losing a parent, and I know because I've lost both of mine. As devastating as that is, your partner is someone who is there every day, the person you do all of life's stuff with, you're a team. Then poof, they're gone. They say, (whoever they are), that the second year is harder than the first. I have found this to be true. The first year you're in shock. You wake up everyday and have that moment of wait...did this happen? Or is he just in the kitchen making his coffee? It's a constant jolt, every single day. For me, the second year changed to trying, again, every single day, to accept that this is permanent, he is not coming back, this is not just a bad dream. In my widows group, I hear the same thing. The group seems to be divided in two, those who are constantly saying they can't face life without their husbands, and the other group, my group, that pushes on to live a good life without that person that was supposed to be living it with you.
So what do you do after years of couple hood when you find yourself alone on the weekends? Here is an example.
Friday night I had plans with my daughter. We have the best times together. We took the top off my Jeep, first time! What a blast, Mike would have loved this truck so much. We drove to Malibu, picked up food, and had a beach picnic. What a blast driving with the top off through the canyons. And totally out of my comfort zone!
I usually have at least one thing planned with friends on the weekend but not always, this was one of those weekends when I'd be flying solo. And I'm OK with that. Don't get me wrong, I wish Mike were here, pretty much every minute, but he's the one that taught me to do the things that are fun for me. Now, they may not be fun for anyone else. And if that's the case you may find this post very boring lol.
I get up super early. If you're not an early riser and want to be, just get a dog. On Saturday mornings in particular, I'm up to garden and clean up around outside. I do all the things my husband did around the yard, he was so good at it. I stink. Seriously, I really I stink at it. I always feel like he's cheering me on though. Every time I sweep the leaves, (I'm a horrible sweeper), I sweep around the furniture and I hear him, "you have to move the furniture". And I look to the sky and I say "this is your fault and I'm not moving the furniture". Mike was from the mid west. Those kids did chores. I grew up in a co-op apartment in Queen, NY, I didn't even know what a chore was. Anyway, the pool guy comes Saturday mornings. Mike used to take care of the pool himself. Before he went to law school he wanted to be a marine biologist. He loved playing with the pool chemical kit. He'd always show me how perfect he got the PH and I'd call him Mike Cousteau. Now I have Victor the pool man. When Victor comes it's pure chaos for Stella, my anxiety ridden monster, I mean boxer. She thinks anyone that comes to my house is there to kill me. Pool-man, Mailman, Amazon delivery, neighbors. Everyone.
At 9 AM, after I had already walked 1,000 steps around my own house cleaning and chasing Stella. I sat down for a writing workshop via Zoom with a group of women that I adore. That was great.
After that I had to make a Target run because the cat was out of food. And he was quite vocal about it! A $24 case of cat food turned into $120 .... why does that always happen at Target? Is it just me?
I treated myself to a mani pedi, wracked up some pool time, AKA float therapy, and then took myself to one of my favorite local cafes for an early dinner. You learn lots of ways to trick this grief thing, like go to dinner early when it's mostly families and not just couples on dates. I went to a restaurant Mike and I went to often and I'm OK still going. That's another weird thing about grief, some places we used to go trigger me and make me very sad while other places we used to go I find comforting. No rhyme or reason, I don't try to understand it, I just accept it and plan accordingly. I had a great dinner and tried not to be in my phone while I ate. Many triggers there too. Some grief things will pop up, or a song, or a picture. It can be a mine field!
After dinner I went home to feed the 3 fur babies, I was also babysitting my grandogter Penelope for Saturday and Sunday. And I logged in some float therapy. Then I took a walk, also tricky. Mike and I walked a lot, sometimes I have to change the route, sometimes it's OK.
Sunday, some more self care, I had a spa appointment for a massage. After, I went next door to Modern Bread and Bagel, so good and everything is gluten free. Then I went to yoga class. I know, who eats a bagel before yoga? Wracked up some more float therapy in the afternoon and another walk to get my steps in.
I'm so grateful I am able to do these things and that I like my own company. Some people in my widows group hate being alone which seems even more devastating for them. I talk to Mike a lot, and I always tell him that I'm still loving life, I just loved it more when he was in it.
If you know someone who is grieving and you don't know what to say or send them, we just added a condolence crystals bundle to the Gretta In Gratitude website. It comes with a personalized card so you don't have to think about it. People have a hard time expressing feelings about grief.
And when dealing with friends and family suffering from loss please remember ...
